Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
