It's Friday. Sex?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
