Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
