i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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