I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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