Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
