last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
