Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I will die if light touches me.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
