Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
