Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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