Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
