Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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