He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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