HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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