I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
