he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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