Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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