did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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