I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
