just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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