Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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