i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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