I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
