If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
