my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
