oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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