So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Dicks are not precious.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
