Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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