A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
