Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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