My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
