my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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