Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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