Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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