In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
