not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize