She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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