so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
