stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
