Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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