i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
