rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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