we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
