Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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