and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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