I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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