sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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