If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize