Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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