Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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