Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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