shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i think i have herpe
just one?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
