My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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