After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
