I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
