my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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