I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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