I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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