Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
