remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
