She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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